50 Ways Millenials are Sub-human Troglodytes

An acquaintance of mine recently posted a link to an article titled “50 Things about Millenials That Make Corporate America Shit Its Pants” on the book of faces. Right away, I could see that I was going to have some major points of division with the author of this self-congratulatory paean to my generation. Putting aside how tacky it is to pat yourself on the back before you’ve actually accomplished anything, this piece comes off as it it were intended to be a painful reminder of just how oblivious some people can be. I can only hope it is a masterful work of trolling, but alas, I fear the worse.

Normally, I would only delve into the depths of such vapid tripe with a heavy glass of gin next to me. Since it was the early afternoon at the time, however, I was forced to make do with black coffee. Steeling myself what for didn’t need to be done at all and was a consequence of making entirely preventable, masochistic decisions needed to be done, I began scrolling through this madness, hoping to find inspiration for a post. Before long, however, I realized that I was going to have to eschew my usual method of using such things as a starting point for further discussion. This piece was so off-base I realized that I was going to have to directly comment on some of the most egregiously bad assertions by Miss Lauren Martin.

Let the butchery begin.


4. We’re willing to work for nothing if it means being happy…Despite being in debt.

“We’re willing to work for nothing” is definitely something you should say to those evil corporations if you want to get them trembling in their three-piece suits.

7. We have social media on our side.

Its not like social media sites like Facebook would ever take advantage of us, right? It’s not like social media is run by corporations, right?

11. We’re not about climbing the ladder, we’re about circumventing it.

Chaos is a ladder.

13. We’re not afraid to quit if we don’t like what’s going on.

You know, I actually have no problem with this one. Exit over voice.

17. We don’t have a chip on our shoulders.


I have a chip on my shoulder about the world we’re inheriting. I admit it. Previous generations made some egregious mistakes that it’s quite alright to be upset about. Relax. It’s perfectly reasonable to be discontent. Say, have you heard of Neoreaction?

19. We’re more educated, by the book and the street.

In an age in which the point of education is to erase knowledge, not impart it, is this really something to brag about?

20. We’re not interested in office politics.

Politics is power, and you may not be interested in power, but power is always interested in you. Eschew it at your peril.

24. We are trying to beat the system, not just work with it.

The system keeps you in place by making you think you’re beating it. I think you underestimate just how cunning you have to be if you really want to beat it.

25. We don’t have to go to college to get ahead.

Then why are we doing so anyway? Are we sure we’re not brainwashed?

27. We’re listening to our women.

But who are our women listening to?

28. We want freedom more than anything else.

So why aren’t we fleeing to countries where we can have it?

31. We distribute the news, not the other way around.

Newsflash: the news is how Corporate America controls you.

32. We don’t care as much about profit as we do the product.

We ARE the product that the corporations profit from.

36. We’re open to any gender, sexual orientation and race.

In fact, let’s let them come tumbling over our borders. It’s not as if the quality of a country has anything to do with the quality of its citizens #ElizabethWarren2016

39. We learned from our parents’ mistakes.

Is that why we insist on repeating them?

41. We’d rather travel and be poor than be rich and never see the world.

And somehow, we still end up poor and untraveled.

44. We’d rather have experiences than bank statements.

I am rather concerned by how much of this piece is rationalizing being poor by claiming possession of non-material things that we don’t actually have.

47. We want careers, not jobs.

We fetishize what we do not have.

49. We have morals.

Morality is totally subjective, and it’s not as if functional society doesn’t grow on trees, am I right?

50. We have each other.

I can’t help but think of an old East German joke from the days of the Soviet Union: A school teacher asks little Fritzie : “Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It’s ‘Soviet friends’.” Fritz responds: “Well, you can pick your friends.”


Millenials are not fighting against the system. They are kept firmly in place by the idea that they are fighting the system. If I were an anthropomorphized corporation, I wouldn’t be shitting my pants. I would weep for such bountiful herds of sheep to fleece.

Now, in fairness, this might just be a disagreement over which paradigm to apply to the same reality. Two sides, same coin, and all that. But one is forced to admit that it looks like the author of this piece and I are in very different realities. How could this possibly happen? What could lead two people to disagree so fundamentally as to the nature of the world around them?

Lauren “LMoney” Martin grew up with one goal: to be the first woman engineer. Upon finding out there already were women engineers, and unable to pass Calc 1, she chose to study the beautiful and honorable art of advertising. After advertising proved uninspiring, she attempted a career in acting which was over before she could get on stage. And when she failed at everything else she decided to become a writer.

You know, those four sentences explain more than I would have ever thought possible.



14 thoughts on “50 Ways Millenials are Sub-human Troglodytes

  1. nickbsteves 09/17/2014 / 3:55 PM

    Didn’t read the whole laundry list but much of the part you quoted is the same thing that any generation of 20-somethings has to say to their 40- and 50-somethings. Meet the New Boss… just the same as the Old Boss.

    “Have you heard of neoreaction?” Now that’s something this generation needs to hear about. Your grandparents’ grandparents had it just. about. right.

    • Legionnaire 09/17/2014 / 4:27 PM

      “Much of the part you quoted is the same thing that any generation of 20-somethings has to say to their 40- and 50-somethings”

      This is even more true for a lot of what I didn’t bother quoting.

  2. nickbsteves 09/17/2014 / 3:57 PM

    Ummm… earth to Millenials: LED ZEPPELIN SELLS CADILLACS. IOW, the system is perfectly capable of chewing, digesting, and pooping out “Fuck the System”… and it’s lickin’ it’s chops for you right now.

    • Legionnaire 09/17/2014 / 4:26 PM

      It’s almost like the system wants you to rebel or something. Weird.

  3. neovictorian23 09/17/2014 / 6:38 PM

    A good portion of it sounds like it was directly imported from a college dorm bull session, circa 1968! Yes, Boomers were making a lot of the same statements. Or as Nick B. says, “any” generation [that has plenty eat and entertain them]. There was this generation that were teenagers in the mid-1930s and fought World War II…except for a very few, they were remarkably unconcerned with “beating the system.”

  4. infowarrior1 09/17/2014 / 7:48 PM

    Aren’t millenials supposed to be the hero generation?

    • Legionnaire 09/17/2014 / 9:22 PM

      Supposedly. There is still some time for this destiny to unfold (I believe 20 years is the time-frame left to us to fulfill this fate). Personally, I give it about a 40 – 45% chance of coming true.

  5. Witch Hammer 09/17/2014 / 9:54 PM

    “Lauren “LMoney” Martin grew up with one goal: to be the first woman engineer. Upon finding out there already were women engineers, and unable to pass Calc 1…”

    LMAO, this is hilarious. Pretty much sums up the millenial left.

  6. R. 09/18/2014 / 7:22 AM

    So, I gather you’re a student in a major US city, right?

    Considering that it’s only a matter of time before Ebola goes airborne, and after that, containment is likely to be quite difficult. Especially considering the incubation period – sometimes up to two weeks.

    Hopefully, by that time, either vaccines or serum from survivors are going to be available.

    Still,I wouldn’t count on that.

    Perhaps best to have a plan to hole-up somewhere remote with a 60 day supply of non-spoiling food.

  7. Cledun 09/20/2014 / 5:49 PM

    “We’re willing to work for nothing if it means being happy…Despite being in debt.”

  8. C H 09/22/2014 / 1:35 PM

    I’ve two friends, one an actual millennial and one who is much older but has espoused the views of the common millennial. I don’t feel pity for them in the sense that I want to rescue either of them but I do feel pity for them in the sense that neither have a clue to how wrong they have reality sussed out. It’s not simply a matter of one or two things. It’s their entire, emotive ‘thought’ process. Much of their thinking is highlighted in the above quotes. Your rebuttals are excellent and I would use them myself on these friends. But the biggest factor I see that will prevent both of them from growing up is the reason I won’t bother wasting your excellent rebuttals—they simply will not and cannot listen. To be told they are wrong—how DARE I!—is something neither can tolerate.

    When we don’t learn from our mistakes (and that’s perhaps the saddest, most hilarious point above—that millennials have learned a damned thing), life keeps giving us new chances to have our asses kicked so we can learn. Eventually, life will just plow us right into the dirt if we do not eventually learn the lessons.

    A lot of folks, not just millennials, will be chewing dirt in a few years.

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